Note: I celebrated a birthday last month, which probably accounts for my pensive mood. The birthdays just keep coming but…
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Recently, I came to a few conclusions. One of which is, as a blogger, my way of doing what I do, just isn’t working. I know I have to change some things. Depending upon which side of change you’re standing on, it can be good or bad, scary or welcome. It’s always inevitable and oftentimes (as in my case) desperately needed. I’m okay with that. The thing that keeps eluding me is the “How?”.
When I began blogging, (February will mark 2 years for this blog) I started this phase with a little trepidation because I had no idea what I was doing and a lot of high hopes. TaylorCares began as a way to document and share the lessons I learned on my journey of learning to live my life trusting and honoring God; to living my faith. A faith I had abandoned years earlier after a series of painful, life altering events. The greatest of those was the death of my granddaughter. After writing her obituary, I put down my pen. I stopped writing and I stopped speaking to God. I moved into a sad and lonely house of pain and became intimate with depression and despair. I learned the art of hiding my feelings and became adept at wearing happy face masks. Although I had stopped speaking to God, He never stopped speaking to me. The Holy Spirit was right there talking, talking, talking, but I wasn’t even trying to listening.
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Eight years later, after a whole lot of knocking, I opened the door…and Jesus walked in and my healing began. Then one day, I wrote something. I don’t even remember what it was, but, here’s what happened. A dream that I’d buried, along with granddaughter on January 18, 2003, was resurrected! That long dead, dream of becoming a published writer was suddenly alive and well and dancing around inside my head.
I didn’t know the first thing about blogging. For a while I felt fulfilled. Every time I pushed the publish button on another post I was happy. A short-lived happiness, but.. I take feel good experiences where I find them.
So I continued to write, mostly of spiritual matters. But… God wants more… He keeps prompting me to share more of myself than I’m comfortable sharing. I read a lot of blogs and I really admire those bloggers who allow themselves to bleed in public. Who open up and expose themselves. Who let their wounds become visible in the posts they write. Plans, hopes, dreams, victories and disappointments are all out there…alive in cyberspace for any somebody in the world to come along and read… make comments…and critique! Oh my!
The mere thought of exposing any of my real, personal, self to anyone gives me a bad case of the willies. So why am I being pushed out of my comfortable zone?
At this moment, I’m wondering… How all of this “sharing” will change me and/or this blog?