Hope Deferred
I think I was a teenager when I read, heard or was taught by someone that if you have children, you live forever. The premise being your children will have children, and their children will reproduce and…. Your DNA could literally continue on indefinitely through your descendants.
I don’t remember how this nugget of wisdom found its way to me, but I believed it. A major portion of my life was defined by that belief.
When my son was young, I worried constantly. I’m not talking about the “normal” fears every mother has for her child’s safety. Mine was of the deep seated, irrational variety. See, I was always afraid that he would die and my life would be over – Maybe not literally, but definitely in every other sense of the word. I could not imagine living this life without him and the only hope I had to live on in this world through him would also cease to exist.
I’m the only mom I ever met who actually wished her teenage son would get some girl pregnant. The really weird thing is.. I had convinced myself I had a valid reason to be afraid. He was a young, black, male living in Philadelphia. If the streets (gangs, thugs, addicts, random acts of violence) didn’t kill him, then “Philly’s Finest,” the PPD (mistaken identity, Driving While Black, looks suspicious, because they can) would.
By the way, he didn’t get any teenage girls pregnant. Thank you Father God!
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My grand daughter was born on December 7, 2002, when my son was 26 years old. She was a tiny little preemie, weighing in at just a little under 3 pounds. They named her Kiyah Siani Gilmore. My heart was filled with unspeakable joy and I was finally satisfied.
Six weeks later, on January 18, 2003, we buried her.
The turmoil, pain and confusion would fill a book. I won’t address it here.
Fast forward to 2012: I have two healthy grandchildren and I adopted a baby girl. She’s nine year old now and I no longer live in fear.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12)
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This post is my contribution to HOPE 2012, a blog relay to celebrate the 2012 Olympics. Anyone can participate and spread a little hope around in the blogging community. This relay is the brainchild of Melanie Crutchfield. She will forever have my gratitude for being the inspiration behind me sharing a fear and a hope that until today was known only to me.
Now it’s your turn to share your story.
April 3, 2014 @ 5:17 pm
Taylor, I’m so glad your piece just showed up as a ping back. Thank you for sharing so much vulnerability, and the hope that goes along with it.
April 4, 2014 @ 12:23 am
Hi Melanie! I meant what I wrote. Your blog relay inspired this post and I thank you for it. Sharing it felt good.
Ping backs are weird aren’t they 🙂
August 4, 2012 @ 10:12 am
When our twins were born, one was stillborn and one had severe mental disabilities. I grieved the hope of their futures and ours, but the riches our son has brought will carry on through his sweet sisters and their children who don’t just look on the outside, but look to see what’s inside. Thank you for sharing this sweet and honest post.
August 4, 2012 @ 2:04 pm
When we’re in the midst of a season of grief, we can’t see any of the good things God has waiting for us a little farther down the road. Thanks for stopping by.
August 3, 2012 @ 9:41 pm
Wow Taylor, this gripped my heart. I think I held my breath because I’ve only knew about your nine year old. I am glad your son survived the streets and the PPD. I am glad you found your way out of fear, but sorry you had to experience loss of a loved one to get there. Thank you for sharing your story. That’s a beautiful and very appropriate scripture. I love to see a scripture with fresh eyes when a story is applied to its meaning.
August 4, 2012 @ 1:49 pm
Thanks Kenya, fear is proof of a lack of faith and more often than not..that which we fear will come upon us.
I can’t believe I haven’t written before about my “Mr Super Privacy, Don’t Put me all over the internet,” son.
🙂